Where to begin (again?)

Well, 2017 has been a year. It’s not over yet, thank you very much, but so many random things have happened I don’t even know where to start, except to say you know those lists of “most stressful life events that can send you insane” and that usually include divorce, job loss and death? I think I can safely say I’ve experienced almost all of the above: moving, traumatic brain injury, job loss and I think that’s it, but my head hasn’t quite been the same since I had my accident that I’m probably missing something.

I don’t generally write conversational posts like this but I felt that I needed a clear starting point to my new writing efforts that is not “the past” and is not some half-assed attempt at some creative interpretation of what is happening right now. There are also instances that I won’t write about here and that I don’t care to share about on social media or even in person in some cases because it’s just too much to talk about and, the older I get, the more I realize that I am a private person. I was also described as “serious” which is, honestly, a compliment: I am. I like to read and think – probably too much – and come up with little things in my head that I don’t feel the need to share with anyone. It reminds me, actually, of a part in Anne of Green Gables where Marilla observes that Anne doesn’t talk as much as she did when she was younger. She replies – and I am paraphrasing – that she would rather keep some of her beautiful, dreamy thoughts to herself because people just don’t understand them in the right way and they lose some of their magic with the telling.

That and there are some things you only talk about with another human being in person, instead of just sticking them up online for the world to see so you can gather likes and prove that your life is hashtag blessed and hashtag Instagram-worthy.

Me? I ran 4 miles this morning and I never thought I would run again. I was fired from a job because of someone else’s selfishness but it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can do yoga without feeling dizzy and ill. And I have my own #metoo experiences, but I don’t need or want to talk about them because at the end of the day, I survived, I’m still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah and that’s all that matters to me.

And I am more grateful for my current situation than I have been for anything in my entire life. True gratitude is deep down inside and it hits you every morning, in the middle of the day and when you fall asleep at night knowing that you are taking care of yourself and other people, because you are able. This sensation is part of the universe’s fabric and of my being, and rather than cling to its wonder, I just observe and enjoy it. Or try to. I’m only human after all. So I don’t need to show it off online, I know its there and the people that matter know what I am experiencing.

I am still learning. Always.

Hashtag, Welcome to Phase II


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