Did you learn to remember to forget? Did you think that movement would lead to mindlessness? Did you take a step back in time and try to understand what had happened?
You know this has no point; only looking at the bottom of a bottle, nay, several glasses, can introduce oblivion. You see the same people sitting at that bar, day after day, squinting into the haze of smoke, voices thick with age and time and cigarettes and the refusal to remember. They don’t eat. They drink. Then they walk home and speak to no one, simultaneously having a conversation with everyone, staggering back and forth, wending there way to nowhere. Because nowhere is either an empty house or an entirely empty spouse that generated the current universe in which they live. That’s what happens when you’re afraid. That’s what happens when you don’t think. All of a sudden it’s 2015 and you don’t have any idea how to organize your thoughts anymore because no one ever taught you how to use your brain.
Did you ever take responsibility? Did you ever stop for a moment and look up at the sky? Did you realize it’s not always blue? Did you see?
I know someone who really is colorblind and it can be amusing. Your kind of colorblindness lacks all humor and any kind of human connection. Your shirt is dirty. It doesn’t match your jeans. You think that the sun is shining so you wear sunglasses and lash out because you don’t know how to have conversations with anyone besides the hedges. I know because I saw a man looking for the same kind of back and forth with the greenery yesterday. Since I lived in New York, anyone that I see not walking in a straight line…well, I give them space. Create a circle wide enough so that they can’t touch me or that I don’t fall into their sightlines and become the victim of their ramblings. “The bartender asked me why I’m here,” he slurred, “I’m here because I drink, I said. I drink and I drink because this is where I drink. And then I go home and go back to the bar because this is where I drink.” He continued talking but I hurried ahead. The only and only time someone came close to me and started talking in a similar fashion was in New York City; he was truly insane and started chasing me through Washington Square Park.
Did you know that I survived? Did you know that I became stronger than I ever have in my life? Did you know that actions have consequences? Did you know I fear you turning up on the doorstep of my mundane (something you can’t achieve) because my mundane shines with all the colors of the rainbow and every nuanced shade in between? Did you know that even though I have conformed – in the only ways necessary – I’m still discovering all of the subtleties in color and form and the different ways the sky looks blue depending on the day, the season, the time, the ethereal emotion?
Did you know that I turned another page and I’m beyond the point of reading back to remember what happened?
The next few pages are blank, and I am writing them myself: new characters, no repeat performances, new scenarios.
It’s time for you to actually choose whether or not you care to write your own.
“I didn’t need these things. I didn’t need them.”